Are Your Family Dynamics Changing?

Let the Family Changes Happen

Watching your kids grow up is exciting, but I never thought about how I would feel when they left the house for college. You’d think it would be met with excitement and pride as they enter the next chapter, which was. However, I should’ve planned and brought tissues on the way home. When we dropped our oldest daughter off at college, my husband and younger daughter had tears rolling down their faces. We were about to return home as a family of three, which was definitely going to be a change.

A New Dynamic

This was the first of many family life shifts I experienced. It definitely took some time to make adjustments. I was cooking for three and only had to worry about chauffeuring one child. It was an adjustment period for us all. It actually became an opportunity for us to really get to know our 13-year-old daughter as her own person, outside of being a sibling.

There is something to be said about spending one-on-one time with your children. New topics would come up at the dinner table that may have otherwise been lost in a family conversation. Did we miss our older daughter? Immensely. However, we knew we had done our job as parents. We knew we had dropped off our oldest daughter as a strong and independent woman, and she was going to succeed and find her way.

Family Visits

Whenever our oldest came home from school for the holidays or for the summer, we immediately reverted back to our family of four. It would happen so easily, regardless of how much time had gone by. It became more time-cherished, as visits home were just visits. Since we only had a certain amount of time, we did the things we missed the most. It’s hard to have a competitive game night with a group of three, so the competitiveness of my family has indeed returned.

Taking Mom’s Advice

When you’re younger, and your mom is giving you advice, you tend to shrug it off. As you grow older, you realize, “Wow, she was SO right.” There are a handful of quotes from my mom that stick with me to this very day. One of them is “children are lend-lease. You have 18 years to mold them into independent, kind, loving people, and then you have to let them go.” This one always stuck with me, along with “parenting and family is forever.” It’s the in-between stage of being a parent and being their friend. You have until they’re eighteen to build them into those strong sons or daughters, and then it’s their turn to take those lessons and fly.

The Biggest Change of All

After four years at school, our oldest daughter moved home, and we were back to our original foursome. We thought it would take time to adjust, but everything just fell right into place, as nothing had changed. However, we were in for the biggest change of our lives. Three months after our daughter moved home, my husband passed away in a tragic accident. Overnight, our family dynamic had changed—without any preparation or warning.

Herculean Family Changes

The changes that ensued in our family were herculean. Once again, the empty chair at the table was very noticeable, but this time, there would be no returning to our family-of-four dynamic. My role drastically changed, borne out of necessity. My daughters were both young adults, but it did not make it any easier. After months and months, we settled into our new family dynamic.  When I look back, I am amazed at their strength and resiliency. We learned to laugh again, to have fun, and to accept our life shift.

College: Round Two

One year later, it was my younger daughter’s time to head off to college. Again, I was so excited and proud, but knew we were heading home, we were going to be a family of two. Living with my older daughter gave me a unique time to get to know this young adult daughter of mine. She was now in her early twenties and working at her first job in the same industry I had start my career. Over time, our relationship shifted to a friendship. It was great to get to know each other in that way, and something I will always cherish.

Empty Nester Time

A couple of years later, my older daughter moved out, and I found myself an empty nester for the first time. I was proud of my daughter for moving on and “adulting,” but I unapologetically admit to a 15-minute, tear-filled, full-on pity party. Can you blame me? After a brief moment, I dried my eyes, took several big breaths, pulled up my big girl panties, and emphatically told myself, “You’ve got this!”

Intermission

Two years later, my younger daughter graduated from college and moved home for the summer. I knew this was short-term, so I knew not being an empty nester wouldn’t last long. Once again, it was me and my younger daughter. We bonded on a new level, as now she was a young adult, too. She was only home for a few months but eventually relocated for her first job.

Dynamics are Always Changing

Family dynamics will always change throughout our lifetime. Between moving in, moving out, visits home, and vacations together, life is full of shifts. I’m sure everyone would agree that 2020 has changed almost everyone’s family dynamic.

2020 Adjustments

When COVID hit, we saw college students abruptly coming home in March and younger students suddenly doing school from their bedrooms. Many people were either furloughed or lost their jobs. Suddenly, we were all locked down and had to grasp numerous changes thrown at us at once.

If you had told me that my young adult daughters, both of whom had moved to New York to start new jobs would return home, I wouldn’t have believed you. But, the year had us all making adjustments, most of which we didn’t plan for.

Here we were, again, a family of three. Many friends of mine were also living with adult children. I have to admit I truly enjoyed this time with my daughters over seven months. Many people were alone throughout 2020, and I couldn’t imagine doing the same. It was a blessing to have that time; we all learned to make changes to accommodate this new dynamic. Some of the changes are still happening day by day.

Blessing in Disguise

I will say that though I loved having my daughters home, I am sad for them and many young adults who should be enjoying their twenties. My daughters went to New York to temporarily pack up their apartment. On their way to the airport to return to Florida, I said, “I am so excited to see you both, but I feel bad it’s under these circumstances.” They got mad when I commented like that because we all have to remember that everything happens for a reason. We would have never had the chance to all live together again before the pandemic. We cherished that time together, as we knew it was temporary.

Finding Ways to Cope with Change

My younger daughter gifted me the book Journey to the Heart, which has daily meditations and reflections. Each day consists of a short reading to give you inspiration throughout your day. Ironically, my very first reading was titled You Haven’t Lost Your Place, and it addresses life shifts that make us feel we’ve lost our place. It happens when you feel out of tune, balance, and rhythm. It perfectly describes how I feel when people leave and how the shape of our life changes. It encourages you that moving forward shouldn’t be scary. In fact, it should be a time of growth and happiness. If you have gone through something similar to myself, I definitely recommend purchasing this book. And for those that have not tried meditation, give it a shot.

Back to Normalcy

In 2021, my younger daughter moved back to New York while her sister stayed in Florida. We visited her when we could, and she visited us. In January 2024, my older daughter finally moved back to New York. Knowing I could not see her every week, as excited as I was for her, was another shift in our family dynamic. And when that happens, of course, we will all continue to grow and adapt. It is one of the reasons we take a Mother-Daughter trip every year.